Decay !!!

All my life I have been a person who would nurture relationships like an early morning pleasant dream and would value them more than even the religion I follow. This was something I have been following through thick and thin, amidst weathers rough and fine. I had this element of being unsure about friendship, but the conviction was built gradually during my HBTI Days. It was further reinforced while at SIMSR that some relations matter more than the consanguine ones .It all was there with me...in me…all the time…

Today I really am not sure what has happened to me. I know what all is amiss but really unsure what could be the root cause. I really am not sure of the reason why I am not able to be true to myself. I am not sure why I am failing miserably in every kind of relationship, be it at home or elsewhere. I am baffled as in what is it that needs to be weeded out of my character. And if there is some poisonous creeper that has clanged onto my thought process, where did it come from. At what point of time I became so vulnerable to influence of negative thoughts. Why have I become a heartless soul? Why am I not able to be proud of my own self? Why am I, what I am?

No, I don’t think I am being vague and stupid when I am saying this all. I know what I was and what I have become. I am aware of this decay and I am still damn disinterested in getting remedied. I am standing at a juncture wherein most of the relations I value in this world are looking back at me with skewed eyes. With their disappointed looks all these guys are again and again driving home a point that I am no longer the person whom they loved once. I am a totally different person…I am an authoritarian…an egoist…a selfish person. I have become a no-lover. Suddenly.

Never have I been so confused. Not even during that forgettable day of April. Up there! One last time please. At least you know that I am not a "No-lover" atleast.That,although I am being bad to all, from inside I crave for them.That,however discordant my note be, my heart sings only well-wishes for them. I still love them all...I always will…