Radio ke Virus and Meow 104.8

Whatever! I don't like the idea of not being called as a Male Chauvinist any more. I still am the same old Mocho who was just so very damn Chauvinist flag bearer to the very core of his inflated heart and sinking rationale. But what does it get to do with this post. Wait a minute.Oh of course; it has to do a lot with this post. This post is about my preferences; huh dirty minded; not sexual preferences damnn’t; my preference of Radio Stations. I mean ok, well, I am a perfect machoism personified substance but what does it gotta’ do with my liking MEOW 104.8 over any other frequency for that matter. Its just weird!

Talking about radio stations only, I just feel baffled and stupid hearing to the same songs over and again repeatedly till my nerves actually start defying the constraints of my brains and my ears cursing my lovely Swift for flaunting a 4 speaker music system. That’s why I like this channel; MEOW-104.8 or as Jaishree says - India's first 'm first Just for Women Radio station. Who is Jaishree???Oh ok, let me just take you through a small crash course of the same.

• Jaishree and Mandy: Hosts of Meow Zindagi, a breakfast talk show. However I always feel that Roshi-Jaishree combi was deadlier than this one. Alas!!! Roshi only does Color Therapy now.

• Seema :Morning Meow and Dial M for Meow .These are Priyanka’s fav sections as Seema plays oldies in these 2 shows

• Ramaa and Manisha:Meow Matinee and Mumma Meow resp. I have heard the talk shows a couple of times and found them to be really educative.

• Ginni: My favorite. RJ of Tu-Tu Meow-Meow which typically is an evening talk show in which both the sexes are allowed to call and chat. As she terms it to be a battle of sexes. It is conversant, intelligent and thought provoking. I find this lady a bit rude though but guess this is what steers the show well.

• Divya and Kiran Bedi:Top Cat .As the name suggests, a very innovative use of Radio as an Information and Awareness Media. Very cool show.

• Anil : The only male RJ of the station. Hosts again a talk show called Between the sheets which is in a way like Agony uncle for ladies. Its very interesting at times but depends.Dunno’…Indian audience u c.

In the nutshell I like the whole genesis of this station for the simple reason that it doesn’t rely on the same so called chartbusters being played on and on for hours for no particular reason. I actually am not a music buff at all and so get bored very easily. So its Meow for me.

Before I sign off, and also for the respite of guys who think I am a overt feminist now; huh;There are 4 other RJs whom I just luv to hear to for the plain ingenuity of content. These are “SUD” Sudarshan, “Khurafati” Nitin,”Radio ke Virus” Anant and Saurabh.

Happy Listening!!!Its Hot!!!

Delhi Rocks !!! Rein of Terror !!!

This time it was a black Saturday for Mehrauli ।

Target :: Again an overtly Democratized common man.

Reason :: To hit-bang on our national pride, our self confidence.

Ammunition :: Hatred,Jealousy.

Its probably been the blackest fortnight of my life.Never have I experienced the bout of emotions against terrorism , the way I was feeling this time. May be because this time I was a mere whisker off from the possibility of getting hit.But frankly speaking this is very unfortunate.Why does it always take a narrow escape for us to start appreciating life or to start hating the unnatural causes of death.Terrorism and extremism to name a few.Were we not facing such problems in Punjab and Kashmir for decades .Is it not something which is commonplace in Bihar and Jharkhand.Is it not a fear which millions of less fortunate BPLs face all the time. The fear of un-called-for Death.

Since past couple of weeks this particular thought has been crossing my mind like a whirlwind.Repatedly and every other impact greater than the last.What exactly are these guys trying to prove?What is it that they intend to achieve through such attacks? Do they wish to convey to us that they are some crusaders who want to bring a glorifying accolade to their organization/community or are they a part of the bunch which thinks that Indian democracy is too good and example of successful democracy than they can digest and live with.What exactly is the psyche? I mean planting so many explosives in the most crowded market place of National Capital needs very strong set of emotions and rationales. Nobody can just for the heck of it do it without being doubly sure of the very motive.I just don’t know.

On 13th September I was on my way back to Meerut.Got the news reg the blast in front of my office on my way only.By the time I reached home all the explosions had happened.I just was totally perturbed and wayward,not knowing whatz happening.Came out of my room to breath in fresh air when found this sleazy reptile gobbling up its prey.Could not help relate it with blasts.Is this not what is happening. every other day in the country.Are we, common man, not being fed to these bloody miscreants.Ain’t we just keeping our fingers crossed,praying that the next blast does not happen near our homes.But are we so nimble footed.I seriously don’t think so.I guess this is the high time we learn our lessons.This is the time we realize that life is not gonna’ be the same again and we need to be ultra cautious and attentive;proactive and generous.All at the same time.

I believe we all need to be tough and strong willed.We gotta prove our mettle to these bloody miscreants who seem to think that we Indians are morally impotent and democratically handicapped.This is the time to prove that democracy doesnot mean waiting for generating unanimous public opine.Its all about sculpting the public opine the way you think is righteous and correct.Its about manning Noah's ark towards the virtuos horizons.

So shall we !!! Shall we stop being अकेले पेड़ों का तूफ़ान !!!

हिन्दी हैं हम वतन है,हिन्दुस्तान हमारा !!! जय हिंद जय भारत !!!

Very Random me !!!

It doesn't happen quite often that I come out of a movie and feel intellectually evoked. Guess that's 'coz I don't happen to see intelligent cinema any more or plays for that matter. This Saturday I had this pleasant types feeling after watching ROCK ON!!! No, the movie is no provoker kinda’ stuff or like that. It just made me think. Think about a fact which normally doesn’t cross my mind v freq... I was just wondering if all of us actually are doing what we wanted to do in our resp lives. Are we doing something which is keeping us happy, ‘coz we always wanted to pursue it or are we just flowing with this torrent called Life? Its open ended!

The other day this wonderful lady called Gini on Meow 104.8 FM was discussing a similar topic in her show. I was surprised to learn that not even a damn single soul said confidently that he/she is doing something that makes him/her happy. It was damn thought-provoking, disturbing and surprising; all at the same time. I am just wondering if a majority of population actually is feeling the same syndrome that I am feeling just now. If that is the case then it absolutely is very unfortunate. As bad as it could get!!!

Ok, for that matter am I doing what I had dreamt of??? Well, I don’t think so. My dreams always had a vocation somewhere else. Probably in the quarters of Administrative Services but then leave it. But what is more important is whether if I am enjoying to the fullest whatever I am doing at present which is Banking.

Banking as such was never my type of sector, neither is it something I would put my heart totally into. Guess I am doing it just ‘coz I want to survive. And this is one reason I am not able to extract the best out of me. I am just doing whatever is sufficiently enough to keep me going. Trust me, the moment I will develop a sense of belongingness to this sector, I would be an impossible chase. But how much time its’ gonna’ take, whether it is gonna happen or not. All these questions are dwindling unanswered. Cool hai yaar.Chill!

In any case, just back from Book Fair. After a very very very long time got so much involved with books, my first love. It was just so comforting, soothing in the company of literature, fiction, science, philosophy and History. I wanted to buy so many of them but with my budget could get hold of only a couple of Hindi lit and likewiz.Guess this is one thing that makes me happy...HeHeHe…Looking forward to build on my own library some day. May be very soon ;-)

Gotta’ retire to bed. Monday blues are already gripping me. What crap…It is gonna’ be a tough Monday. So many questions after a bad month .Hello Up there …SOS !!! :-(

Life is all about the turns you take !!!

Life, as I see is all about the turns you take. I have entered into numerous serious arguments over this belief more than a couple of times. In most cases, the conflict was life is not made up of turns only. Its’ also about a contemplated beginning, a pre-decided destination and an infinitesimally long road. I somehow could never agree for the reason that my life in particular has been crafted basis the turns I took in my life or the turns I was forced to take during the course. I mean philosophically the two rationales may seem alike but practically they are altogether different.

If I may take an example out of my life only, then I started out as another nobody who propelled off with a dream of joining armed forces like several other nobodies of my age. Even prepared like hell for RIMC Examination but could not appear in the same as due to some postal strike or something my application form never reached their offices. Back to datum, I then committed my heart to Sainik School but the dream just lived out the life of a caterpillar. My run for IAS was wiped off by some uncontrolled personal issues in year ’00 and even the catch line of becoming the best Civil-ian (i.e. Civil Engg) in the country after having passed out from one of the best Engg Institutes was shown the reality mirror by one lovely corporate. I guess that was the day I took the last spontaneous decision of my life. Quitting two jobs within a span of 4 hours and return to home the very next day. That was probably the turn that I took because I had no faith in the road laid ahead for me by fate. Guess it has not been a decision that has gone way too haywire till date. Its’ not been a disaster at leastJ But post that day, I have never been able to gather strength to take decisions which are tough, hard hitting and trying. I have probably become a bit too over cautious. Guess that is ‘coz with maturity you start weighing stuffs and then decision making becomes an altogether different ball game. Although I don’t have any qualm or whatever but there are times when I actually miss my tensile strength to create a ripple in the envio.

Even today when I try to re-define the way I work, the biggest hindrance that comes is my loss of spontaneity, in terms of decisions in terms of actions. There are two traits in personality that I admire the most; one, to take a stand against the wind and two, to live upto the decision by giving it your best. I have been a person with these traits in the past and trust me, the outcomes might not be very rewarding in the beginning but the satisfaction and confidence you get is just immense.

I guess I have lost enough on personal and professional front due to losing track of all the turns my life needed and just kept on traveling aimlessly. Have recently started re-aligning everything. Just hope the milestones would have waited for me all the while. They ideally should have ‘coz they are my own milestones, of my own life Rite?

Mumbai !!!

Come Friday and I will once again be off to THE CITY – Mumbai. It is the only place in this whole world which gave me all new connotations of every damn thing I knew about life. In many cases it just so very radically changed the interpretations. Be it life, psyche, approach, attitude or even friendship, the facets Mumbai showed to me were surprisingly different from my pre-set notions. And I don’t regret or remorse the same. It was a real wonderful experience altogether. Just that I was never sure of the chords I was striking then and I am pretty sure now that I didn’t manage to strike a perfect harmony. I just lived in Mumbai, never became a part of it. I just never allowed it to percolate within and make a dent like a stalactite. I just took it in a stride and traveled past it like a nomad. Wonder if I am the only person to have felt the same way.

Whatsoever, day after I would again be in the City of Multiple Character and again I would be strolling past same old Vada-Pao shops and Local stations and Autowallahs and sundry...It would from outside seem as if everything is still the same since the day I left Mumbai, an year and half back but lots would be different. It would bring back to me certain reminiscences which are no longer a part of my life. It would also make me realize that life is hard on those who refuse to live by it dictatorial terms. But does that really matter. Not to me any more ‘coz to me life has been a good teacher if not anything else and I have always been a novel student.Ain’t I dear…:-)

So, here I come Mumbai. Back to the Pavilion.

Whirlwind !!!

It was a whirlwind kinda' day again. Day that kicked off with me playing my old poems while driving. Playing Poems? Ok, for those who barely know me still, I actually have this habit of recording my poems so that I can listen to them as and when I feel like. A feel good kicker exercise kinda’ stuff u c :-) So, I started the drive by playing my poems first and then "The Madhushala".It was after a pretty long time I was listening to the collection recorded by our bunch during HBTI Days. It still seemed so very wonderfully sweet and loving. Precisely the way it used to be during that period. All the time I was wondering as in how things which are instantaneous and provocative become reminiscences for life time and acts deliberately put in context fail to create a long lasting impression. Its’ just so very perplexing.

Anyways, I guess That is one of the zillions of facets of this Amphi T. called life. Uncertainties, though not always desired bring in the most heartfelt happiness whereas well contemplated decisions just simply fail to deliver. This probably goes with quite a few other things as well. Relationships for that matter. Whatever quantum of improbable devotion you confer upon a person, even a pre-hint of overt expectation would bring it down. And that too with a thump. A loud thump.So is trust.As long as you by default trust somebody,all is fine but the moment you start marking notches over trust levels, it just evaporates. Whizzzzz And Off !!!Not advisable at all but unavoidable at times. Whatever the case be,the life should not suffer. You have 2 options; One, learn to keep on accepting pre-decided presents that life offers to you and stay content or Two, revolt and tell life that I am ready to face the unexpected so don’t cringe, come on !!!

It indeed was a whirlwind kinda’ day.Random thoughts.Life indeed is like a strong current. Surrender to it and it will take you to the most testing waters. Then living is chilling !!!

Introspection !!!

Ok!!! Lets’ be very truthful! At least those who know me absolutely well. Did you ever in your lifetime feel or observe, me being unprofessional/indisciplined/casual. I mean ever during the period we were together and later. Did I ever give any body any chance to come back to me and say, “Hey Mohit better be disciplined and you are the only one who is indisciplined in the whole bunch”.Ok leave re-collecting, can you even imagine me at the receiving end of such volleys. Well, surprise!!! Here I am. Meet new me. All versionised me. Regenerative Avtaar of Manu!!! Me who is all of what is said above and more and the one who even acknowledges the same.

Well, of course I have gone through all this and more for a couple of times during past few days. No, it would be inapt to blame it on the other person ‘coz it was my attitude which led to such instances. I have just been less-cautious if not casual. Have been less focused if not indisciplined and I certainly have been stray if not unprofessional. But what does it actually transpires into. Does this mean that I gotta’ be more careful or it means that I gotta’ be more politically correct. Or mabe I don’t have motivation enough to meet my deliverables. Mabe I need a change or mabe I need a tectonic shift in my psyche, my demeanor, my life.

Well, I actually am going through testing waters as it would be a tough journey ahead to calibrate the mindsets my way. The only hope is that probably the only person to whom I wana’ justify my stand is a soundly reasonable one. It would just need me to put in my efforts at the right place and in front of presumably right people at times. Guess I need to learn a lot to survive. It indeed is a tough mad world out there. In any case, perfect hai boss. Lets’ face it and lets prove it …

My Musical Mystery !!!

Neither I am a person who has a pervasive sense of rhythm nor do I belong to an all knowing genre of music buffs. I just happen to possess a lovely car in which I love to be inside with music system on 'coz it allows me to be cut off from the real world and facilitates free flow of emotive vibes as well as self-criticism. It makes me feel good about things which actually are too minor to pay heed to and it also allows me to rebuke myself for many other things. Things which evolve from the unpredictable facets of life and people. Things which are outcome of my biggest weakness and earnest asset, my self-respect.Ok !!! Not again !!!

Well,I basically will stick to what I intend to.So I was contemplating about the kind of music I like to hear to while driving.Yah,so, for past couple of days I just kept on scribbling onto my notepad as in what all songs basically made me feel good about myself out of all the junk I listen to on the FM.My idea was to basically trace out some common link between the songs(some raga,taan,notes,buzz,etc.) so that I can delve deeper into my own psyche and eventually learn to understand my own self better.Frankly speaking,the results were just unassuming and wayward.I am really not sure as in what it all leads to but just so that one of the readers may help me with the common chord,I am posting my shortlist.I mean just try to render a shot at the common chord in these songs.Just as to rationalize my thought process.

• क्यूँ खोया खोया चाँद की ....
• दिल क्या करे ... - सलाम ऐ इश्क
• ये है मेरी कहानी ... - आतिफ असलम
• पल... - के.के।
• डूबा डूबा रहता हूँ ... - मोहित चौहान
• दीवाना ... सोनू निगम
• वो तो है अलबेला ... कभी हाँ कभी ना
• बादल पे पाँव है ... - चक दे
• ओ सनम ... - लकी अली
• आना मेरे प्यार को ... कभी हाँ कभी ना
• माएरी ... पलाश सेन
• पुरानी जींस ... अली हैदर
• यारों दोस्ती ... के . के .
• तारे ज़मीन पे...
• मेरा जहाँ .... - तारे जमीन पे
  

Well,it is a very absurd post again but admittedly one of the most intriguing.Just a random thought again !!!

Blind trust !!! Whoom and off it goes !!!

Just now back from a tiring day's outing to dunno’ where all…Had taken my cousin to National Science Museum and then had to drop another acquaintance at he airport. So, loads of driving and all. Amidst all this I somehow forgot about another important turn of my life. I mean I have this stupid kinda' tendency of attributing my commitments to events and further to the resp dates. Hmm..as for example, I had come out of my fragile cocoon of being a fragile soul on 18th April 03 after that stupid accident and like wise. So most of the things that I decide to work on have come out of certain incident or maybe accidents:-)

So, as I said,today,the 25th May '08 was one important day again. Well,frankly speaking this time around I even am not sure that who exactly is the person behind it 'coz I don't even know him/her. but 'coz of him/her only today I have again taken a stand to cut off one more tie from my life.And one close tie believe me.I know I had totally forgotten to be like this for quite some time but then I also have this feeler feel that nobody has any right to tramp upon my self-respect and blind-trust. If the other person does not appreciate even the nuisances of blind trust, here it goes! Whoommm!!! In to the litter!!! Escape !!!Neither for you,nor for me...

So here I am, with a clear cut stand and no second thoughts.Just with slight remorse. Only if…But guess it all is part and parcel of life !!!:-) Satya,Dev !!! remember u guys once telling me about friendship and its implications.Hai na...I still love it but this taken for granted thing was not there in it yaar !:-)Anyways...

Life is the only thing worth dying for !!! It indeed is !!!

In the memory of Jeetu ! "Main Jindgi ka saath....."

Tell me truly, have you ever felt a sense of absolute failure? A feeling of dismal surrender to fate and an inherent frustration of not been able to either revoke or change the course of life; yours or somebody else’s. Have you ever felt so lonely in your heart that nothing seems like invoking any kind of positive vibe inside you? Have you ever felt that only if you had respected the timelines and honored the commitments, somebody would have had atleast died peacefully?

Frankly admitting, this is all that is going within me since day before. Ever since the moment I realized that I have lost probably my strongest support system amongst friends and my fiercest morale booster. That I have lost a person who made me sing at the top of my voice at midnight and calmed me at the time of fury. That I will never again see the person who had traveled all the way to Roorkee from Kanpur just so that I challenge the odds (read schemes) and participate in a particular competition, without complaining even once. That I would no longer feel the warmth of a true well wisher who would hug me every day as if it was an entirely new chapter of life and we both need to spread as much love by the time dusk takes over. That I will hear no more from a person whose songs would creep inside one’s heart and render it all the more reason to beat, rhytmically.That I have lost my brother, my friend and my family. That I have lost Jeetu, no, infact Major Jitender Rathore, a guy who loved his country more than any damn thing in this world. More than his family,me,himself. And no, you are amiss if you think he was an army-man. He was a civilian, like you and me, just a bit more civilized.

I simply am not able to fathom that Jeetu is no more because the more I think of it, the more I feel deprived of life. The more I try to run away from his thoughts, the more I find him around, smiling at me, cheering my spirits up ,the way he was doing during our last conversation , exactly 2 weeks before he left. I was so damn happy to hear of him that I kept my phone on speaker as to let Priyanka listen to him and feel the flurry of emotive gestures. I was ecstatic. So was he, telling me about his life, his new to-be job and more than that his marriage been fixed. And then he talked about “SANKALP” something that though named by me was his dream. A dream of better India and even better Indians. A dream about changing the way WE live and a dream about setting new Ethical benchmarks. Both of us alongwith Manish,Lalchandra and Akhilesh had an elaborate discussion on this, the last time he had come down to Delhi in August and the task of writing the prologue was left to me. I had promised a timeline of 15 days then. Its been over 9 months and I am still to start with the same. Every time Jeetu would call me I bloody would tell him that I am not able to find time for it as it needs dedicated hours. I would do 100 odd things but would find no time to start with Jeetu’s dream project. My foot!!! Even during our last call, he requested me to formalize the same so that the same can be initiated and again I just procrastinated it. For the bloody nth time I did it.

And Lo ! today, here I am, still sitting on the idea when the person who had dreamt of it has left with the same in his eyes. I know this would have been one last desire of his during his last breaths and I was damn doing nothing. Or maybe he would have had left any hope. Whichever way, I am a defeated, humiliated and regretful soul. I have not been a good friend to him. the way he was to me. Trust me Jeetu, wherever you are, I would never do this again to anybody, I promise. Please forgive me one last time. I will make sure that your dream takes shape and marks a step towards making our country, your country a better place to live. Just forgive me one last time. Please. Please hug me one more time and make me sing – JAB ZERO DIYA MERE BHARAT NE!!! Please,I promise I will not be discordant and will sing along. Please.

Love you always.

Mocho !

Full Circles !!!

Life is the only thing worth dying for and it is also something that always comes full circle.It is a phenomenon that is like a Karmic Chakra,an individual just being one of the infinite spokes in it.He rubs onto the edges, wears in the process and decays by the end of it but ultimately completes the odyssey.That is how life has always been to me.Just that probably I have always fragmented it into smaller circles. Every circle representing a phase different from the other one in all respects. If my HBTI days were one phase, my SIMSR days were entirely incongruent.But these were the phases when I had such immense learnings that neither the journey felt like a long road to heavens nor the edges actually wore off.I simply underwent positive attrition.

Now why all this gyaan ! Because this blog marks the end of another phase in my life.The phase that started on 14thMay 2007 with me joining this bank I work for.So,here I declare that I have ultimately managed to survive in a financial corp after all the skepticism and fear. Now with that said,I also need to evaluate myself after this vital phase.Let me just give it a shot.

:-)

• This one year indeed exposed me to the most vital constituent of any corporate, "Character"
• I find myself been evolved into a smart worker if not a smart banker.
• Learnt that time and resource management is the key to success and networking is the first step stone to that.Also that perseverance leads to the best outcomes.
• The best of all, it gave me an opportunity to interact with the best guys in the industry.Immense peer learning.

:-(

• I find myself much more irresponsible than ever in handling the tasks assigned to me. It probably is due to the dearth of motivation.Trust me,self-motivation was never an issue for me.
• The work has made me even more finicky about the system. In any case one can simply not go on idolizing something where there is no progression as such.In my case the first 6 months were not evaluated on performance,because there wasn't any and the appraisal was as vague as a Moral Science Paper.
• My biggest strength of getting connected to the people and earning their faith has come down drastically. It is demanding damn lot of effort now.
• I am surprised that now I just hate competition.It is just so fierce and senseless at times.
• My biggest asset,my concentration is lost big time.In any case you just can’t expect the same in a fish market,do you?

I believe there are damn many things that need attention now and I will have to make sure that they meet the intended end but then so much is lost that regaining will take helluva' time.But the best thing about being short of choices is that you really don't have too many options to consider:-)Life indeed has come full circle.I feel I was born on yesterday.

क्या नयी ये जिंदगी है...Me at my romantic best :-)

Life is the best teacher and also the best appraiser.I had jotted down this prose some 3 years back for Priyanka, not 'coz I wanted to but 'coz I simply could not help it.The words just poured onto a rough piece of paper.Luckily,even she liked the poem and preserved it for all these years.My other side,which is very much unlike me.Very different.Very uncharacteristic.

क्या नयी ये जिंदगी है,या महज एक एहसास है।
दूर रहा मैं जिन भावों से,आज ह्रदय में उनका वास है॥
क्या नयी ये.....

दूर-दूर ही रहता था मैं,जिन अचिन्हे सपनो से।
उन्मुक्त विचरता था जग में दम्भित,ना सरोकार था बंधनों से॥
फिर आज ह्रदय का रोम-रोम क्यों,
बन गया किसी का यूँ दास है॥
क्या नयी ये.....

खनक हँसी की जिसकी मेरे,उर में घुल घुल जाती है।
अधरों से हँसते होंगे देव,वो आँखों से मुस्काती है॥
जिसकी बोली हर बात क्यों जाने,
मेरी सबसे प्यारी याद है॥
क्या नयी ये.....

कभी मासूम,कभी चंचल कभी,बातों-बातों में शर्माती है।
तो कभी धीर निर्भय स्वरूप से,मुझको विस्मित कर जाती है॥
बनकर जीवन में बयार आई थी,
पर आज बन गई मेरी श्वांस है॥
क्या नयी ये .....

Entropic Surfing !!!

Random surfing has its own merits.I mean I am still not aware of them all but then do have a gentle feeler that sometimes waywardness helps me to justifiably align my thought process.As in this case I was just strolling entropically on-net and then landed onto this website,eventually finding myself reading through quotes.Just posting a few of them.Again Random !!! No relation with anybody living or dead !!!;-)

"But now in September the garden has cooled, and with it my possessiveness. The sun warms my back instead of beating on my head . . . The harvest has dwindled, and I have grown apart from the intense midsummer relationship that brought it on." (Robert Finch)

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." (Jo Coudert)

"The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or ever touched, they must be felt with the heart. We should do everything within reason to save a good relationship. But if we are constantly trying to save it, it's probably not a good relationship." (Javan)

A mixed weekend !!!

Not sure if this is something that every individual experiences at one junction or the other but I have always felt that with me, unpredictability renders the best kick. Dunno' but every time I exhaustively and insightfullly plan something, I am left with blues. Probably it happens 'coz the kind of person I am, I expect justifiable ROI from even time-resource. Time that has gone into planning and the time that has gone into implementation.

Now this weekend I had a 3 days off (adv of being a banker) and thus planned to at least endeavor in some way as to entertain my so very reasonably patient wife. But then there chipped in a factor of a marriage to be attended. I redefined my idea of entertaining her by deciding to taking her along. This was a part of my two pronged strategy; one entertaining her through our typical baraati-shows and secondly, getting her introduced to my set of friends.

The whole strategy went in shambles when she was really not amused with this baaraat that actually started at 0100 Hrs (1 AM i.e.), more so when we had to drive for 3 hrs to reach this place. And then on the interaction bit, I really wasn’t expecting much of communication from a hoarde of some 20+ fultoo spirited souls :-) For 3 hours Priyanka and I were sitting all by ourselves in the lawns waiting for either baaraat to begin or the daaru-party to get over. None happened before the wee hours.:-)

No remorse. The best part of the whole schedule was the visit to this nice 'structure' called Akshardham in Delhi. I called it a structure because it indeed was one. Its a lovely place with great spawn and architecture. Aesthetically delightful. Just that my still alive inquisitive self could not comprehend as in if maybe a free institution or school would have had been a better idea. Not sure. May be. Totally the prerogative and call of the Mission people but then I just felt that the same space could have had educated a whole generation of Delhi. Just a thought!

Anyways,the best thing about the temple was that it reminded me of my childhood days when I used to read all the KALYANS I could get hold of and watch as many mythological movies. I doubt if my children would ever want to proactively know about Nachiketa, Dhruv, Charak, Aryabhatta, Brahmagupta and likes. Or probably I am sensitized now. Lets take atleast the education home.:-)

For the time being, looking forward to the next weekend which again is clubbed with a Friday off. :-) Great life…

Decay !!!

All my life I have been a person who would nurture relationships like an early morning pleasant dream and would value them more than even the religion I follow. This was something I have been following through thick and thin, amidst weathers rough and fine. I had this element of being unsure about friendship, but the conviction was built gradually during my HBTI Days. It was further reinforced while at SIMSR that some relations matter more than the consanguine ones .It all was there with me...in me…all the time…

Today I really am not sure what has happened to me. I know what all is amiss but really unsure what could be the root cause. I really am not sure of the reason why I am not able to be true to myself. I am not sure why I am failing miserably in every kind of relationship, be it at home or elsewhere. I am baffled as in what is it that needs to be weeded out of my character. And if there is some poisonous creeper that has clanged onto my thought process, where did it come from. At what point of time I became so vulnerable to influence of negative thoughts. Why have I become a heartless soul? Why am I not able to be proud of my own self? Why am I, what I am?

No, I don’t think I am being vague and stupid when I am saying this all. I know what I was and what I have become. I am aware of this decay and I am still damn disinterested in getting remedied. I am standing at a juncture wherein most of the relations I value in this world are looking back at me with skewed eyes. With their disappointed looks all these guys are again and again driving home a point that I am no longer the person whom they loved once. I am a totally different person…I am an authoritarian…an egoist…a selfish person. I have become a no-lover. Suddenly.

Never have I been so confused. Not even during that forgettable day of April. Up there! One last time please. At least you know that I am not a "No-lover" atleast.That,although I am being bad to all, from inside I crave for them.That,however discordant my note be, my heart sings only well-wishes for them. I still love them all...I always will…

Oh There !

Just a random thought!

When you think that you are not able to stand up to a relationship, be it any, you should just put it aside and move on.Move on not 'coz you are scared to continue but 'coz it will keep your loved ones happier and free from your selfishness. Its’ more important to think long term when it comes to Relationships. I as an individual have no right to disrupt other person's life just 'coz its hard for me to live without this bid. Over possessiveness is like a double edged sword. You might be thinking that its’ shielding your relationships but it would actually be snipping off the ties. If you can’t carry your stakes well, chuck it. Life and Love are much much beyond every other damn rationale. And love, if present, will keep hearts together.

Kaushik, you always told me that I need to be a bit more flexible.I gave it a shot.I think it is not working for me yaar.I am not liking what I have become. It has made me weak.It has made me vulnerable.I want to be the same old Mocho; Rigid, Strong; Determined and Passionate. I again want to re-discover myself. I want to rewind back to what I was during HBTI days.

Oh there! Render me strength…One last time.

दुष्यंत कुमार !!!

होने लगी है जिस्म में जुम्बिश तो देखिये ।
इस परकटे परिंदे की कोशिश तो देखिये ॥

गूंगे निकल पड़े हैं,जुबान की तलाश में ।
सरकार के खिलाफ ये साजिश तो देखिये ॥

बरसात आ गई तो दरकने लगी ज़मीन ।
सूखा मचा रही ये बारिश तो देखिये ॥

उनकी अपील है की उन्हें हम मदद करें ।
चाकू की पसलियों से गुजारिश तो देखिये ॥

जिसने नज़र उठाई वही शख्स गम हुआ ।
इस जिस्म के तिलस्म की बंदिश तो देखिये ॥

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कहीं पे धूप की चादर बिछाकर बैठ गए,
कहीं पे शाम सिरहाने लगाके बैठ गए॥

जले जो रेत में तलुवे तो हमने ये देखा,
बहुत से लोग वहीं छ्टपटाके बैठ गए ॥

खड़े हुए थे अलावों की आंच लेने को,
सब अपनी-अपनी हथेली जलाके बैठ गए ॥

दुकानदार तो मेले में लुट गए यारो,
तमाशबीन दुकाने लगाके बैठ गए ॥

लहू-लुहान नज़रों का ज़िक्र आया तो,
शरीफ लोग उठे दूर जाके बैठ गए ॥

ये सोचकर की दरख्तों में छाँव होती है,
यहाँ बबूल के साये में आके बैठ गए॥

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Seeking THAT Inner call !!!

These days my status line says – SEEKING THAT INNER CALL!!! and many people have reverted commenting that this is the most in-appropriate status line to have a week after getting married. Well, to this I frankly have no counter argument but as a matter of fact, this is the current state of my congenially random mind. My mind is once again at in a state of dismal entropy. Marrying Priyanka was one thing I had aligned my heart to 3 years back and now with the alliance materializing I have this lovely lady as my spouse, my life partner. Pretty neat, but what next. I got committed to her, got into this B-school, graduated with a decent job in hand and then roughed my edges at workplace. Now what? The life is again at a standstill. The kind of person I am, placidness is more cacophonous than a bugle.

Knowing Priyanka for all these years has convinced me that she is one person who epitomizes reason and sensibility. So that is something which is going to my strength. But then what is troubling me.

I think I somehow unconsciously know the answer. I think I knew it for long. Believe even Prabha sweetheart knows about it ‘coz she has been my confession box all the time...It’s the work I am into. Not that the work I am doing is anything like a compromise. Its a wonderful Job def as such but then as I had once communicated to my erstwhile Manager, I probably am not suited for banking. I am not able to motivate myself for doing great work. I am not able to render my 100 % to the profile. This phenomenon is troubling me a lot. The issue is not that why am I not switching, the issue is where do I wana’ head to. I am not able to locate my CALL. Till the time I get that CALL,I would be continuing with what I am doing in all my capacity and conviction. But the day I get to know of my CALL, that would be my last month with this company. Its’ a wonderful place to work but then that is not what I had dreamt to achieve in my Life. It would be something different. Something extraordinary. Something satisfying. It would be something borne out of my desire to excel. It would be an outcome of my Inner CALL ...

Me and the THIRLD WORLD !!!

How often have you observed the generally ignored parallel world at Traffic Signals? Just think, as in, have you always been ignoring the very presence of jam-triggered activities around you or is it something you have educated yourself not to be bothered with. Have you inherently developed a feeling that one should not pay any damn heed to all such creatures including Calcluator wallahs, brush wallahs, cushion wallahs, flower wallahs, eunuchs and beggers. Has this feeling already got deeply engraved into your sub conscious as it has got into mine? Has it got something to do with the movies like TRAFFIC SIGNAL that such beliefs have been coherently structured and concreted?

I was just thinking over the same. For the past couple of weeks I have been driving a lot in my newly acquired SWIFT and such instances have unwarrantedly become a routine passé. No, I am not at all advocating the cause of this all different world. Just that somewhere at the back of my mind this has become a generalized cognition. My spontaneous reaction to any person approaching to me in such cases is a wave of hand as if to brush off even the sight. That day at R.K. Puram signal a girl barely 7 knocked at my car window, pleading to buy a bunch of roses and my instant reaction was just a wave of hand with a slight scowl. It was as if brushing off dust from my clothings. Almost that dead and inert.

I have comprehended that while driving I don’t realize such (mis) behavioral instincts but as soon as get back to home ,I find myself feeling troubled, many a times disturbed for being rude and more so indifferent, hostile and this reflects in my attitude. I mean, one she is a child with no brightly carved future in sight and then over and above that a blocked heap of mentality from us, the educated strata of the civilized world. A new world order is expected through us. Are we only gonna’ bring renaissance in modern India. Isn't it...Huh.. Rubbish.

Anyways, just was wondering if this phenomenon is happening with a congenially random soul like me only or if it is something that itches many others of my Gen. By phenomenon I don’t mean the inability to help such THIRD WORLD inhabitants, by it I mean the feeling of insensitivity that has creped into me stealthily.

The remark is open. So is discussion ‘coz I am not able to conclude it rationally. Anybody listening. Socrates huh!

P.S.- Normally any such down-surge of my psyche results into a Poem.So,just can go through one related to this post under this entry.