Few more days to go for 5 years of my not-so-awesome stint in corporate life. For the uninitiated, 14th May 07 was when I recall having taken the last real decision in my life. A decision to eternal (its such a b'ful word. Completely absorbs the meaning implied and is pretty revocable as well at later date) bonded slavery. When I had let short term logics take over long term dreams and decided to take a plunge. A pretty deep one at that.
If you actually managed to read through that preamble,Respect.
So, having established that and in sync with my infrequent blogging (which I modestly explain as not been able to gather thoughts ofcourse and which actually can mostly be ascribed to psychic lethargy) I am just going through this phase of 'not-knowing-what-I-should-be-
Lets see what I factually lost in all these years
- Creativity of thought, of action
- Humanitarian touch, empathy
- Focus, determination
- Consistent persistence towards a goal, visible, invisible, deemed, non existent
- Capability to build long term touch & affection; and maybe a few good people. More about that later.
What have I gained?
- Can I count in my Car & LCD here if allowed to? No? Ok ...
No. I wouldn't say that its been a bad phase. That would be unreasonable apathy towards all that I have accrued but yes its been a pretty very average run barring few and far niche 'n nicer patches.
Was reading this brilliant book translated into English by Bhawana Somaiya - Krishna: The God who lived as a man. Remarkably amazing book. And at one instance when Krishna (I am Peepal amongst the trees - Bhagwat Geeta) while lying against the bark of Peepal tree, foot bleeding with the arrow shot from the bow of Jara the hunter contemplates and sighs - 'Life is more like the path taken by a Trapeze artist walking over tight ropes. To balance himself he has to keep moving come what may but in the end he will have to invariably come back to the starting point every time'
So true. That's precisely what I have been doing and unfortunately have been seeing people around me doing all the time. Walking on the tight ropes. Trying to find a balance amidst acute chaos. And at such times I feel that at least I accept the status and am aware thus not attaching artificial glory to some petty achievements. There are several of those who don't accept the status as it is. Sadly.
And then the quintessential rat race. I am ok with the rat race after having spent some time in corporate. I am also ok with staying the rat even after coming out as a winner of the race (as if I have a choice here after having run with the rats) but atleast then one got to be complete rat like. Communal, Participative and Harmonic. Guess only humans can be so amoebic. Rat at one instant, a Canine at another and mostly like a Cuckoo bird, taking someone else's credit and throwing off other's efforts down the drain. Mostly.
But am I being a bit too caustic? Yes of course but again this is not a remorse or regret. As I stated above, this is just because I am aware of what is happening to me and surroundings. The changes. Variables. Its a cognition and not repentance and for reasons deep rooted within me,I have to keep shoveling myself at regular intervals just as to ensure that I am still pretty much alive ...
I realize that even this post like many others on this blog can be termed as 'Karna' I guess. Born merely out of curiosity ... Curiosity to drill 'n grill and hard-press the haywired psyche.
Its a Long journey ahead. Bon Voyage to self !
