Decay !!!

All my life I have been a person who would nurture relationships like an early morning pleasant dream and would value them more than even the religion I follow. This was something I have been following through thick and thin, amidst weathers rough and fine. I had this element of being unsure about friendship, but the conviction was built gradually during my HBTI Days. It was further reinforced while at SIMSR that some relations matter more than the consanguine ones .It all was there with me...in me…all the time…

Today I really am not sure what has happened to me. I know what all is amiss but really unsure what could be the root cause. I really am not sure of the reason why I am not able to be true to myself. I am not sure why I am failing miserably in every kind of relationship, be it at home or elsewhere. I am baffled as in what is it that needs to be weeded out of my character. And if there is some poisonous creeper that has clanged onto my thought process, where did it come from. At what point of time I became so vulnerable to influence of negative thoughts. Why have I become a heartless soul? Why am I not able to be proud of my own self? Why am I, what I am?

No, I don’t think I am being vague and stupid when I am saying this all. I know what I was and what I have become. I am aware of this decay and I am still damn disinterested in getting remedied. I am standing at a juncture wherein most of the relations I value in this world are looking back at me with skewed eyes. With their disappointed looks all these guys are again and again driving home a point that I am no longer the person whom they loved once. I am a totally different person…I am an authoritarian…an egoist…a selfish person. I have become a no-lover. Suddenly.

Never have I been so confused. Not even during that forgettable day of April. Up there! One last time please. At least you know that I am not a "No-lover" atleast.That,although I am being bad to all, from inside I crave for them.That,however discordant my note be, my heart sings only well-wishes for them. I still love them all...I always will…

Oh There !

Just a random thought!

When you think that you are not able to stand up to a relationship, be it any, you should just put it aside and move on.Move on not 'coz you are scared to continue but 'coz it will keep your loved ones happier and free from your selfishness. Its’ more important to think long term when it comes to Relationships. I as an individual have no right to disrupt other person's life just 'coz its hard for me to live without this bid. Over possessiveness is like a double edged sword. You might be thinking that its’ shielding your relationships but it would actually be snipping off the ties. If you can’t carry your stakes well, chuck it. Life and Love are much much beyond every other damn rationale. And love, if present, will keep hearts together.

Kaushik, you always told me that I need to be a bit more flexible.I gave it a shot.I think it is not working for me yaar.I am not liking what I have become. It has made me weak.It has made me vulnerable.I want to be the same old Mocho; Rigid, Strong; Determined and Passionate. I again want to re-discover myself. I want to rewind back to what I was during HBTI days.

Oh there! Render me strength…One last time.

दुष्यंत कुमार !!!

होने लगी है जिस्म में जुम्बिश तो देखिये ।
इस परकटे परिंदे की कोशिश तो देखिये ॥

गूंगे निकल पड़े हैं,जुबान की तलाश में ।
सरकार के खिलाफ ये साजिश तो देखिये ॥

बरसात आ गई तो दरकने लगी ज़मीन ।
सूखा मचा रही ये बारिश तो देखिये ॥

उनकी अपील है की उन्हें हम मदद करें ।
चाकू की पसलियों से गुजारिश तो देखिये ॥

जिसने नज़र उठाई वही शख्स गम हुआ ।
इस जिस्म के तिलस्म की बंदिश तो देखिये ॥

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कहीं पे धूप की चादर बिछाकर बैठ गए,
कहीं पे शाम सिरहाने लगाके बैठ गए॥

जले जो रेत में तलुवे तो हमने ये देखा,
बहुत से लोग वहीं छ्टपटाके बैठ गए ॥

खड़े हुए थे अलावों की आंच लेने को,
सब अपनी-अपनी हथेली जलाके बैठ गए ॥

दुकानदार तो मेले में लुट गए यारो,
तमाशबीन दुकाने लगाके बैठ गए ॥

लहू-लुहान नज़रों का ज़िक्र आया तो,
शरीफ लोग उठे दूर जाके बैठ गए ॥

ये सोचकर की दरख्तों में छाँव होती है,
यहाँ बबूल के साये में आके बैठ गए॥

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