I am an eternal misfit. That's not a statement. That's a realisation. A realisation that stems from an acceptance that is now crying hoarse for its due. An acceptance that should have had happened arguably several years back but for a misplaced notion of linking 'Being Misfit' to 'Being Non Acceptable', which surprisingly was never the case.
In every frame of reference there are two facets, External and Internal. Externally I have always been socially well acceptable and that has probably been accrued from the fact that it's very difficult for me to offend people as long as they don't unduly hard press me against the wall and hence rarely been a problem to stay afloat within a group, externally. However, internally it's always been a tussle. A tussle which is difficult to articulate but let me put through a narrative.
I have a tattoo of Icarus on my upper arm. Icarus, dashing towards Sun, wings firmly clipped this time, unlike Wax in the original mythological narrative. And am asked lot of times on why I ended up getting a non-heroic character inked on me when I could have had chosen anyone from Zeus to Hercules to Nelson Mandela (!). The argument of those who point out this anomaly is not flawed and infact it's a steady argument but for reasons not many can appreciate, I always found Icarus fascinating. Since that day of May 1991 when I first read 'The Background' by Saki wherein Pincini, the most revered master of Tattoo art inked on the back of Henri Deplis, his most brilliant tattoo ever - 'The fall of Icarus '.
Since that summer afternoon Icarus somehow got etched into my psyche and over the years I realised that in many ways I have a tendency to be like the fallen hero. In highly relatable contexts I realised that there is an innate want in me to soar high and mostly with right focus I do, but there is also a tendency to fly too close to the sun. My flight leads me to disconnect from the ground, relationships, reality and at times even self. I also realised that for good reasons I do not allow my flight to cross the realms of dark or turn morally amiss, but irrespective, the course is precarious. So with hits and misses (probably hundreds of them), I kind of settled for an equilibrium and that was when I decided to get the Icarus inked on me. To remind me of what I am and where can that lead me to. And that accrues to me the tendency to be a misfit.
In general settings I have been attuned to tone self down as not to intimidate (yes, that's correct) others but I do realise that it's not my normal demeanour. And that thus leads to duality or ambivalence. Having said that, the extent of misfit is worrying. Add to that the fact that hand on heart I don't perfectly trust anyone, except self. So a semi-trusting misfit who is confident only when my heart gives it a Go. Sigh.
Am I worried? Certainly not.
Do I make an effort to fit-in? Not one instance I can recall.
Is this an approach I would like people close to me to have ? Absolutely not.
I think it's ok to be a bit weird. It's better than not being at peace with yourself. It's also better than being another run of the mill product probably.
Till I understand it better, let me stay a Misfit. Maybe this piece is meant to fit-in in the end! May be!
